(no subject)

 I've spent most of the morning thinking of ways to kill myself.  This isn't normal for me even when my depression is at its worst, but I don't think its bad enough to call the emergency doctor out, since I am not quite at the 'actually planning' stage.

Everything is just going around and around in my head.  My final year is daunting, but I'm not sure why.  I can do this stuff- I've been doing it for 2 years and I know more now than I ever have done before.  I have been free of medication for almost 8 months (give or take painkillers and the like) and my life is probably the best it has ever been.  Even so, I still feel useless, and pointless, and I keep looking at all the things I want to plan for the future and they're all great- I just don't feel like I will be able to manage them.  I mean, how could I possibly raise a kid when I have moods like this?  I can't even keep the mice out of the kitchen or get my useless fucking housemate to help me with it, so how could I manage a whole house?  My diet is failing for no reason at all- I am 100% on plan, but I just keep going up and up- and the only 'advice' I can get on it is either that I'm lying about what I'm eating, or that it's a blip, no worries, it will all work out.  But what if it doesn't?  I'm fat, and I don't want to be any fatter.  I am working myself to the bone for my degree and my diet and my health, and I am getting nothing back.  I just want to be done with it all now.

I'm actually scared of calling my GP in the morning in case he signs me off, which will mean I can't do my shifts or go to uni.  I had to come home early from work yesterday because I couldn't concentrate, and even in general nursing on the gynae wards (which is what I'm doing for the next 2 weeks) people can be seriously hurt if you're not 100% functional.  I didn't want to mess up and miss something- I *don't* want to- but at the same time, if I get signed off, I have no idea if I will be able to make up the hours.   If I don't make up the hours I can't qualify.

I don't know what to do.
I will probably call my GP.  Knowing my luck, though, they won't have an appointment to spare.

(no subject)

 My lovely friends forced me to go to the cinema to try and get me out of my horrible mood (or at least, out of the house.)  I'm not even joking about the forcing bit, actually- and was pretty much dragged out by the arms. 

We saw the new Thor film.  It's a good film, but I didn't enjoy it.  Not the film's fault, I just can't enjoy anything.  I suppose it was better than staring at the wall like I was this morning, but it should be something that I was excited about.  I don't think I have felt properly excited for a while- like, there are things that I know *aught* to excite me, so I make the right noises and  talk about it and pull the right faces, but I don't think I have actually *felt* excited since my operation.  And I think that might be part of the problem- I didn't have long enough to recover, and went straight back to work/uni after only 4 weeks.  I think I am still exhausted, still healing up, and am basically running on empty.

Fingers crossed that I can get an emergency appointment tomorrow.  My GP is basically my last resort right now.