Felling shitty
Apr. 20th, 2013 07:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
misguidanceI am feeling really crappy these last couple of days, and I thought maybe if I wrote something down it might make me feel better. Using the computer hurts right now though (migraine) so I'll make this quick.
-I am seriously depressed. I have been almost unable to get out of bed, even for work, and when I have been at work the depression is affecting my ability to work to my full capability. My last few shifts have been dismal as a result.
-I have had 2 really nasty migraines in the last week or so, which doesn't help.
-I am feeling intensely lonely, but at the same time, really antisocial. I know I could pick up a phone and call Rory (or a number of other lovely folk) but the idea of socialising makes me really nervous. I have arranged to go to a car boot sale tomorrow with Charlie, and I am going to have to force myself out of the house to do it. -__-; I know it will be good for me and help break my bad mood, but I really, really don't want to go.
-My headaches and light sensitivity mean I can't play computer games because I can't use the computer for long.
-They also mean I can't do any revision because the pain ruins my memory and ability to concentrate.
Also, this whole thing is affecting my diet. Despite doing my best to stay on track last week, I put on 3lbs. I then had a very ill-advised junk-food binge yesterday, so I am pretty sure I will have put on this week too. I have been doing so well, and I have basically ruined it because I lack any kind of willpower when I am feeling low. And I really can't afford to- my surgery is coming up, and I need to lose *more* if I want any chance of having good results. -__-; And yet, I just can't seem to stop myself. It's terrifying because I *know* I am sabotaging myself, but I can't stop it. I *know* what I have to do to change this and get back on track, but I don't seem to be able to force it to happen. It's like being a prisoner inside my own head while someone else is driving, and that is very scary indeed.
I took a shower today, and while I was under the water I kind of felt a spark of motivation- kind of like I was just about to snap out of it and get things back on track. It didn't last long, but it's something at least, and I am hoping that with my forced trip tomorrow I can crack this and actually try and get things moving the right way again. I want to be able to talk to people again without being a buzz-kill, and get my work done, and do something to undo the damage I have done to my weight-loss.
Oh, and it's been really nice weather recently. I would like to be able to enjoy going outside.
-I am seriously depressed. I have been almost unable to get out of bed, even for work, and when I have been at work the depression is affecting my ability to work to my full capability. My last few shifts have been dismal as a result.
-I have had 2 really nasty migraines in the last week or so, which doesn't help.
-I am feeling intensely lonely, but at the same time, really antisocial. I know I could pick up a phone and call Rory (or a number of other lovely folk) but the idea of socialising makes me really nervous. I have arranged to go to a car boot sale tomorrow with Charlie, and I am going to have to force myself out of the house to do it. -__-; I know it will be good for me and help break my bad mood, but I really, really don't want to go.
-My headaches and light sensitivity mean I can't play computer games because I can't use the computer for long.
-They also mean I can't do any revision because the pain ruins my memory and ability to concentrate.
Also, this whole thing is affecting my diet. Despite doing my best to stay on track last week, I put on 3lbs. I then had a very ill-advised junk-food binge yesterday, so I am pretty sure I will have put on this week too. I have been doing so well, and I have basically ruined it because I lack any kind of willpower when I am feeling low. And I really can't afford to- my surgery is coming up, and I need to lose *more* if I want any chance of having good results. -__-; And yet, I just can't seem to stop myself. It's terrifying because I *know* I am sabotaging myself, but I can't stop it. I *know* what I have to do to change this and get back on track, but I don't seem to be able to force it to happen. It's like being a prisoner inside my own head while someone else is driving, and that is very scary indeed.
I took a shower today, and while I was under the water I kind of felt a spark of motivation- kind of like I was just about to snap out of it and get things back on track. It didn't last long, but it's something at least, and I am hoping that with my forced trip tomorrow I can crack this and actually try and get things moving the right way again. I want to be able to talk to people again without being a buzz-kill, and get my work done, and do something to undo the damage I have done to my weight-loss.
Oh, and it's been really nice weather recently. I would like to be able to enjoy going outside.
