(no subject)

 So, first off, I am depressed again.  And this is a big one.  It's causing vomiting and nausea, anxiety, restlessness... all the usual stuff.  I am second guessing everything I do, I have trashed my room looking for something unimportant (I've misplaced my DS, but I can't seem to settle because the fact it is missing is bothering the crap out of me).  It's even stopping me eating... but then when I do?  Yup- I'm right back to binge eating. -___-;

Secondly, the vomiting is making my stomach hurt something chronic.  Like, heavily bruised and battered feeling in my gut.  It's horrible.

Thirdly.... part of the second guessing (you know, the bits that don't revolve around questioning every big decision I have made in my life, ever, and revisiting everything that has ever gone wrong and beating myself up over it) is my tattoos.  I have a lot, and I have some nice ones.  I have some less nice ones, I know, and I have some that are probably fairly low quality.  I got a few when I was young and stupid, but that doesn't mean I don't like them.

For reference, my left arm is home to the picture of Guide that I drew myself, my baby dragon thing, and my rainbow dragon, on my inner arm.  The rainbow dragon needs retouching (it's the one that was done by the apprentice) but I like it.  It's one of my faves, and probably the one I get the most compliments over.  It's also the one I kind of want to have a new picture put on- namely, a version of this:


So, I went in to a local tattooist to talk about getting something else done.  I had the picture, I got a quote... and then the tattooist started doing this thing- a lot of them do it- when they start basically trying to upsell.  This guy is a really good tattooist.  He does lovely work.  But he started badgering me about what my 'overall plan' is for that arm, and what kind of sleeve was I going for (I'm not) and what I had planned to fill it in with.  I told him, and he basically told me it would look shitty and I should do something more like the work he does.  He kept going on and on about how I would need the backgrounds all filled in, and I should get together a folder of pictures so he can plan a proper sleeve from it, and how what I have isn't 'too bad' but would need work to make them look good.  He kept talking about layering, and not wanting to do the picture above (even though he could- he made a point of saying it would be easy to do) until he knew how it was going to be layered, in case he wanted to do something over it or alter the picture.  Only, I don't want the picture altered.  I like it as it is, and I know where I want it.

I could see his point if my arm was blank and we were starting from scratch, or planning a massive cover-up of what I have already.  But I'm not.  I have an idea of what I want to link all my stuff together (lots of butterflies, to blend with the ones around the Guide picture), and that's about it.  It will never be an amazing, planned from scratch sleeve, because that isn't what I started off planning.  Yeah, it will never look as good as it could have... but he just wouldn't shut up, and I ended up getting the same feeling I get when people are trying to bully you into buying something at a market or in a shop.  Like, I just wanted to escape, but he wouldn't stop talking.  And he wasn't saying anything particularly offensive or overtly rude, so I didn't feel like I could just say 'fuck it' and walk away. 

Oh, and he kept saying how bad my rainbow dragon is.  Like, repeatedly, he kept saying it 'wasn't strong enough' to be part of a sleeve, and how I need to decide 'what I'm doing' with it.  I'm not doing anything with it, thanks.  I like it.  It needs retouching, because the yellow faded out, but... yeah.  And that really upset me, because what I took away from the conversation (in my already aggravated and depressed state) is that the picture I've chosen is easy but crappy, my arm looks crap, I should have the whole lot redone and the tattoo I like the most is rubbish.

YAY.


Part of me thinks I should just ignore this guy and go to my regular tattooist, who did my Castlevania tattoo and my Skyrim one.  Another part of me is going OH GOD WHAT IF HE'S RIGHT AND I LOOK SHITTY and is freaking the fuck out.  Of course, it helps that the whole point of this trip was to get a quote so I could start saving up- so now I feel like I have to spent the next however-many-months looking like crap, and I probably couldn't even afford to do all the work he thinks would make it all look 'ok.'

The best bit?  I came home and actually cried about it.  Over a fucking tattoo that I don't even have yet.
I picked that picture because it's happy, and looking at it made me feel happy.  Now I feel like shit and I wish I hadn't ever gone into that place.